PC Check In
Author:Kent Herrick


Location: Security, Any Airport

Check-in Sign: "SAN FRANCISCO PASSENGERS TO THE LEFT"

"Put your bags on the conveyor"_

"Take the metal out of your pockets"

"Step through the detector".

BEEP

"You're going to San Francisco?"

"Yes, I am.....why?"

"Why the separate line" Ignoring me,

"Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"I thought all flights were non-smoking?" You dolt.

"I'll ask the questions", sleaze-ball, "well, which?"

Hesitatingly like a caught school boy,

"Well, yes, I smoke," quickly added, "But not much."

"Left" pointing "Next!"

What next!

Sign----SMOKING AND YOU

"So you smoke?....do you know it's bad to smoke?....the U.S. Surgeon General says that smoking can lead to stroke and heart disease. ...."

"I've heard....so what's it to you?", get to the point fathead.

"Now you've interrupted me, I haven't finished....Now I must start again....So you smoke?.

.Do you know it's bad to smoke? The U.S. Surgeon General says that smoking..."

"Wait dammit ..wait!!...I want to fly not listen to this #%*"

"You are insensitive.... San Francisco law 94-103-para 56_says that all visitors to the state must be sensitive to the environment and those that live in it."

Hogwash

"You obviously show hostility to others by your smoking and must submitted to training before departure."

"Fine, but I'm late"

"You do want to go today?" Menacingly.

"Yes, yes of course. It's getting very late."

"Alright now . . . where was I...hmm..."

"'It's bad.'"

"Oh, of course.....you interrupted.....So you smoke?...Do you know it's bad to smoke? .....

The U.S. Surgeon General blah, blah......."

This is really the #%@#

"Alright " I scream. " I quit, I'm cured! "

"Oh, all right....Raise your right hand",

I do,

"Do you solemnly affirm, swear or agree to reject smoking and tobacco in all it's forms and openly oppose all greedy capitalistic-right wing smoking lobbyists and corporate lackeys. "

"I do I do!"

"I'm not finished......who are stealing the lives of our children, the American people, rain forests and our fragile medical system.".........."You may now so affirm, swear or agree." "I so do.".......without the intended dripping sarcasm ."May I go"......I'm whining.

"Yes, you may return to security...you're free to go."

I grab my belongings, less my evil weeds.

SECURITY

"So you're a cured smoker"

"Yes Sir, may I go?", oh #%$^ Please!

"One more thing..."

"Yes"

"Are those real or synthetic boots?"

"Synthetic..." I bristle, " these are genuine Luchese calf skin .... these are $700.00."

"Oh, they are nice.....I suppose....take a left"

"What!?"

"NEXT!

Sign...."ANIMAL SENSITIVITY"

"NEXT!"

"So you wear real leather? Do you know that leather is bad for you? Leather shoes hmmmm "

"Boots"

"Boots!.....that's a lot of leather."

"Oh God!"

"And religious too!"

I'm silent ......my silence condemns me.

"So you wear leather shoes...boots? Do you know that's bad for the environment.. encourages overgrazing, damages grasslands, produces flatulants, methane, green house effect, ozone destruction, and skin cancer not to mention a drain on our medical system, higher taxes and inflation."

"My boots caused all of that?"

Don't be flip and don't interrupt, you are a major part of that chain." Oh God no more.. "Where was I ......cancer not to mention a drain on our medical system and ......"

"Here take the ###% boots....please! bare-foot's better , right! ...no more farting cows... .no more methane no more skin cancer....sandals only made from discarded log skidder tires...right..."_

"You do learn fast."

My boots in the trash.

"Oh please can I go now?"

"Back to Security, oh no, that's right, you're religious too, the line to the left.

NEXT!"

Sign, "RELIGIOUS RIGHT, WRONG!"

"Next!"

"So you're religious? Do you know that religion is bad for you? "

"Only at Christmas!", said far to quickly.

"Don't interrupt....religious right?...do you know that religion is an opiate of the people that it numbs the mind to the social upheavals of modern America and provides immoral structures against free-thinking and individual will?"_

I'm numb.

"Well....what do you say to that ..." _

"I deny God...I condemn moralism, conservatism, and baptism."

"Do you deny religion and all it's pseudo-ethics, do you accept free-love, safe sex and condoms for all, do you renounce the spirituality of a supreme being and accept the uncertainty of life without sin and redemption."

"Is San Francisco worth this ...." I mumble.

"What?"

"Yes..." I say so quietly, "I do"

"Do you reject all forms of moderationism, methodism, radical religious racism, fundamentalism, homophobic moralizing and the parasitic pandering of the clergy."

"Yes " I repeat quietly.

"You're free from your chains brother. Return to Security."

I should have figured

SECURITY

"Next, oh it's you again"

"Yes....me again...can I go ....Please!"

"You're whining!. ....that's good...you do sound more sensitive. _Maybe you're ready now."

"Thank God "

"Religious!?"

"NO! I've been there. It's just a leftover from my sinful days"

"Sin!?"

"No, not sin I meant my days of moralism before hedonism".

"I bet your getting tired and hungry....with all these new sensitivities."

"Yes, I'm starving! But I know I'm responsible for all of the world hunger...leather boots, rain forest...acid rain and all the other pre-arrival perversions I had."

"Ice cream or Yogurt?",

I missed the menace.

"What? did you say?"

"Ice cream or Yogurt?"

"Chocolate...chocolate ice cream." Maybe a free coupon for all of the trouble.

"Ice cream...!? Left line! Next! "

"What the hell?! "

"Don't be threatening. Next!'

Sign: FOOD ACQUISITION AND RETENTION SENSITIVITY

"So you like ice cream? Do you know ice cream is bad? The U.S. Surgeon General says you should only eat from the three basic food groups. Ice cream is not a food group. Fat, cholesterol, heart attack, stroke, animal insensitivity your retaining and hoarding calories needed for under-developed countries. .what you have under that belt would feed a family of four in India for a month ...you're a cause for world hunger...."

"Yes! Yes I'm a little fat....ok, ok, I quit...tofu only, bean curd, greens, whole grains, I'll stop, it's a sin, I'm free of guilt and responsibility and I love you and every sombitch in the world. Let me go", pleading and whining.

"You're free to go, back to Security."

SECURITY

"Well sir, I see you're back, ready to leave now?_

"Yes I think so", said softly, without rancor or miscrentancy.

"Good, Are you ready for your trip, are you in touch with your emotions and are you free of inhibitions? "

"I think so although I am attempting to subdue my ego and self-assuredness."

"Excellent....! You may make it there after all". Smiling and touching. "Oh you don't like my touching....don't you like me.....your your homophobic aren't you; you you don't like homosexuals do you.....do you!"

I remain still with fear and trepidation.

" you hate queers....you're still tied up with that dual sexuality thing....I always catch your kind ...few of your kind can really fake it ... you're. .you're not really sensitive ..you're not really ready...it's all been a lie....not ready! Not ready!" Screaming, Screaming.

"Dammit you little faggot let me go!", I scream in fear and frustration;

" Forget it, I'm not putting up with any more of this. " I'm leaping over the barrier.. ..barefoot...running for my gate.. ....the sting ..the redness in my eyes and then the blackness passes over me.

"I thought he was dangerous and he finally proved it"

"You did it right; one shot.....in the head running .. you're you're one helluva shot."

"We have to keep his kind out of the Bay area. I did right."

"Next!"

"So you smoke? Do you know smoking is bad.....?"

Kent Herrick